Storm Tossed

Well, it has been a LONG time since I have posted anything here. A lot is going on these days, and not all good. Hence the title of this post - Storm Tossed. As I write this, my dad is fighting to stay alive in the ICU, where he has been a patient for over a month now. This has been the most difficult time of my life. I have an intense appreciation for all who have ever endured this type of experience. The days are long and I just want life to go back to normal, but fear it never will.

As I was walking through the ICU this weekend to visit my dad, a nurse stopped and asked me if I was the nurse from Beaumont that went to Africa this past summer. I was surprised that she would recognize me. She told me that she had seen the link to my blog on our Beaumont employee website and had been following my journey. Then my brother told me that someone from his race track asked about my blog a few weeks ago too. So - I get the hint. It is time to resume sharing my journey with anyone who cares to share in it.

Since I have returned from Africa, my life has been out of control. I have experienced so many highs and lows. I have returned to so many loving friends and family. I am blessed beyond words for all the people in my life who continually show me an outpouring of love that I do not deserve. I have returned to co-workers who gladly put up with me and my daily longing to be back in Africa. I have had a harder transition back into my life than I ever imagined. And I think a large part of that is because I no longer fit into the life I had. For this, I am grateful. I am grateful that I got to have an experience of a lifetime and be forever changed. No one could ever go where I have been and see what I have seen - and not be changed.

So, for me the challenge has been to ask myself, "what's next"? At first I thought I knew exactly what was next - leaving as soon as possible to get back to Africa. But, over the past 3 months, I know more than ever what God is saying - and what is next is obedience. The past year of my life has been a gigantic lesson in obedience. I feel God saying to me that there is obedience in going back to Africa, but there is also obedience in seeking what God is asking of me while here. The challenge is to remain obedient wherever God has placed me. For now, I am grateful that I am home. I see God's providence in having me home and I am forever grateful to have this time with my dad.

The challenge for me and for many of us is the obedience to seek after God. To seek after God in the midst of being storm-tossed. To seek after God in the midst of times of happiness and prosperity. To seek after God in times of uncertainty and anxiety. To seek after God when everything is going well and for a moment we feel like we've got it all together. To choose to seek God instead of a million other things that seem to so easily distract us from what really matters in this life.

I for one have struggled at different times in my journey with all of these. Just this past week I have struggled to seek after God in the midst of my own anger towards Him. I am angry over broken dreams and a hope that seems to be dimming with each passing day. Until today I hadn't been ready to make nice with God just yet. But, in the midst of my anger I am reminded again and again of God's unchanging goodness and love towards me. Even as I write this I don't want to admit it, I want to hold onto being angry. But if I am honest the only one my anger is hurting is me. Over the past week I have had some really good yelling sessions at God. I have screamed at Him how I feel like this is so unfair, how I feel so alone. And then I realize these are all just feelings. And feelings are fickle at best. When things get really tough, I am frightened to realize that although I am angry at the situation I cannot be angry at God. Because the only way I will ever make it through this is by running to God, not from Him. He is the only way I can make it through this. And in the moment of my surrender, God is there. I realize I may feel alone, but the truth is I never am. I may feel this is unfair, and it may be but there was never a promise that life would be fair. But, there is a promise that God will never leave me or forsake me. I may leave Him, but He never leaves me. I am so thankful for my relationship with God. That in good times and bad, in times of raging anger, God is big enough to take it, and forgive it. Not only does God forgive, but he also gives comfort like nothing else on earth ever could. There is no food, no drink, no person, no new gadget or material thing that can comfort like Father, God.

" For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And my covenant of peace will not be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you. O, afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, Behold I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies and your gates of crystal, and your entire wall of precious stones. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror for it will not come near you." Isaiah 54v.10-12,14.

"For I will turn their mourning into joy, And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. Jeremiah 31 v.13

Thoughts on Re-entry...

Hello faithful readers -
It has been 3 weeks since I have been home and have re-entered my life as I once knew it. I have to say I knew it was going to be difficult to come home, but I had no idea the roller-coaster of emotions I would be on. I haven't posted anything on the blog- mostly because I am at a loss for words on how to truly describe where I am at. Also, I cannot seem to go one day without crying - and looking at the blog makes me cry all the more. You may be wondering why I would be such a cry-baby. If you are wondering that then you must not know me very well. Truth be told I have been crying tears of joy since I left Africa. I cannot say I haven't had moments of sadness because for sure I miss Africa more than I thought possible. I have had moments of sadness, anger, irritation, irrationality, peace, and moments of joy. I have been all over the map in the emotions department. A special thank you to everyone that I have interacted with since being home - a thank you for putting up with me.
I have to truly thank ALL of my family, friends, co-workers, etc. for how welcoming everyone has been. The first night I came home, I came home to a freshly cleaned house, pizza, diet coke and family and friends. I rested for a few days and then headed to Grand Rapids. While in Grand Rapids I got to hang with my gang of friends by Aaron's pool (no better place to be) and I got to go to the beach with my friends Virginia, Jordon and Marcia. Virginia - thank you again for spoiling me beyond reason!
Once home again I spent time with my family, made it to a Tigers game and have been hanging out with friends from church.
This past week I returned to work. To my utter amazement my co-workers surprised me with a card full of money. They had a surprise fundraiser while I was gone to make sure when I came home that I would still be taken care of financially.
So, there has been blessing after blessing since my arrival home. It has been wonderful to get to see everyone and spend time catching up.
What has been the most difficult thing about re-entry into my life is that I miss Africa so much. This is actually a wonderful problem to be experiencing. I feel as though I got a taste of what my soul longs for - and then it was time to come home. Once you have tasted what you feel you were created for you don't want to go back to anything else. This is mostly how I have been feeling in the past few weeks. My deepest desire is to return to Africa as soon as possible.
I am grateful to God for the path that He has put me on. I have never felt with such passion the desire to return to Africa. I have never felt such certainty that the time will come sooner than later. I am moving forward with plans to return to Mercy Ships in January 2009. Stay tuned for more on my journey forward from here. Thank you is simply not a good enough word to express to all of you how grateful I am for all of your support and encouragement. Not only has my life been changed forever, but that of so many people in Africa that Mercy Ships serves. Thank you for your part in it all.

Being Loved by God...

Hello everyone,
Well, I have been in Brussels the past 2 days - but for all I know I have died and gone to heaven. I LOVE being here. Who wouldn't love chocolate, cheese, bread, shopping, beautiful weather? All those little things I have been looking forward to I have gotten to do in the last few days. I have had a long shower, slept in a big bed, gone shopping by myself, been to the grocery store, eaten fresh fruits and veggies!!!

Getting to stay with my dear friend Jodi has been an unspeakable blessing. Jodi is an amazing woman of God and she has been so good to me. She is a listening ear, a wise word of wisdom, a truth teller, patient and loving. She has been just the person to help me transition out of Africa. She too is going through some similar experiences, so it is God's loving kindness that Jodi and I have these few days together. Which is why I titled this blog entry, "Being Loved by God". I was telling Jodi of all the blessings of the past few days and it was her that pointed it out to me - this is God loving me, taking care of me, helping me transition.

God has been giving me so much I am overwhelmed. For starters, I got the best send off from the Africa Mercy that I could've ever hoped for. Usually when someone leaves the ship their group of friends gather on the dock to say goodbye, give hugs, and then send them off. When I left the ship on Sunday afternoon it was pouring rain and windy. I didn't really expect anyone to go out in that weather. All of my close friends came out to say goodbye. Even one of my past patients - Joanna and her daughter Angela walked through the rain and wind from town to come to the ship-yard and send me off. Not only that, but Joanna loves to sing - so before I got in the Land Rover she started singing some lovely African worship songs and soon everyone joined in. There we were huddled in a circle of about 10 people, all getting soaking wet, singing that God will carry our load, and that he will be our guide. It was hard to tell if I was soaking wet from the rain or from my tears. It was a moment that I wished I had captured with my camera, but then I think it was a moment that no picture would ever do justice.

When I arrived in Brussels I made it to Jodi's without a problem. The past 2 days have been amazing. I have gotten to see a lot of Brussels, and I have had some wonderful time to myself. Jodi is working while I am here, so during the day I go off exploring and she goes to work. At night we go out and experience Brussels together. Tonight we had a hilarious adventure of aerobics in the park. I will have to post pictures to truly describe what happened. But, imagine a large, historic, beautiful park (picture Central Park) and then add about 300 Belgian people all doing aerobics together. It was so fun and I got to meet some of Jodi's friends.

Going home is bittersweet to be sure, but I am grateful beyond words to God and His love and care for me no matter what part of the world I am in. See you all soon!!!

Leaving - Part 2

Ok, so yesterday when I posted on the blog I was definitely sad about leaving. Today I am leaving in 3 hours and I am still sad about leaving. However, last night after I blogged, God who is always faithful brought some great surprises to cheer me up. First of all, a new shipment of Diet Coke has arrived, so for my last night all the world was happy as we drank Diet Coke. Then we had a dance party on the dock and it was fabulous. It was a perfect night and we had great music and lots of dancing - until the rain came. But, even then many of us kept on dancing! It was a great way to end my time here. Also, I have to say receiving an email from my good sister, Tracy - your words of encouragement were perfect timing!

Leaving

Tomorrow I have to leave Africa. That is all there is to say. I hope I will get to come back soon, but for now I have to go. I am definitely sad to be leaving, but so grateful I even got to come. I have been busy this week so I haven't had too much time to even think about leaving. Today I spent the day packing and spent time with some of my most cherished friends here - Kat and Wendy. Tonight we are having a dance party on the dock for my goodbye party. I am glad that God provides- that even here in Africa I have found friends that love to dance!

Thirsty

Hello all,

I just wanted to say hello and say thank you again to everyone who has been so supportive, and for faithfully following me on my journey. This week is turning out to be very busy. There are not enough hours in the day this week. I am busy getting ready to leave the ship :( There are things to do in order to "disembark" the ship, there are friends to hang out with, patients to see. I have only 2 more shifts to work. We went back to working 8 hour shifts so I work 2-10pm tonight and then 7-3pm on Friday. Thursday I am going to a construction site - to work. I am excited to get to go to a construction site and actually do some work. My friend Jodi and I are going so we will see how it goes. Luckily the construction project is near the beach so if we get in over our heads with the construction we have been promised by our friends that manage the construction site that we can go to the beach instead! I just want to do so many things and only a few days to do them. I am going to be stopping in Belgium for a few days (thank you Jodi for hosting me!!!!) and I think it will be a welcomed rest for me. Seems I am almost as busy this week as I was the week before I left to come here.

All this week too I have been trying to think about what has happened in the past 2 months. What has happened in Liberia, what has happened in me. Way to much to try to blog about - which is why I look forward to coming home and talking face to face with all of you! The bottom line is that God is good. He called me to Mercy Ships and has been faithful to me every step of the way. He has given me the strength to be here. It has been a gift to be here and I am grateful God allowed me to come. There is no greater joy or contentment than knowing you are doing what you were created for - and that has been the greatest gift for me over the past 2 months. There is a song that says that "the glory of God is man fully alive". I can say that is absolutely true. I have never felt more alive and I know that brings glory to God. That is why I am immensely grateful to everyone in my life for encouraging me (all these years) and for helping me, for coming along side me to get me here- because it has changed me. I have learned that obedience to God brings life, hope, peace, joy, love, confidence, faith, contentment, and a thirst for more!!!

Some Things are Universal...

The other day I was taking care of a man in his 20's that was here for a repair to his arm. He had a gunshot wound from years ago that hadn't healed properly. I sent him off to surgery and knew I wouldn't see him back in his bed for a few hours at least. My good friend Wendy that I always talk about is a recovery room nurse. So, she usually takes care of the patients I send her and then she brings them back to me. When my patient woke up from the anesthesia the first thing he told Wendy was, "Where is Jennifer? I need Jennifer." (That is pronounced "Jenni-fah" in Liberian English). Wendy tried to explain to the young man that I would be waiting for him back at the ward and that as soon as he was awake enough he could go back there. He replied, " I am hungry, I want to eat, Jennifer will get me something to eat." Wendy told him he would have to wait a little longer, that once he was fully awake he could return to the ward. He looked at her and said, " I am fully awake, return me to Jennifer". So, as the patient is being wheeled into the ward I can hear him calling my name from the stretcher, not even in the room yet. I couldn't believe that he even remembered my name. All he kept saying was, "Jennifer, I want to eat, I know you will let me eat". So, once we got him settled in his bed and the monitor on him, I went for something for him to eat. When I came back I had to feed him, because his right arm was all bandaged and casted. As he was eating I asked if he was comfortable, if he needed anything else. He replied, " I need chocolate". I guess some things are universal. Who doesn't need chocolate???